Merry Christmas, Terrorists!

You will be happy to know that Mike Chertoff, head of Homeland Security, this week gave us our annual "Merry Christmas Scare-Ya". He reminded us that TERRORISM is still right there at our doors waiting to spring when we are not looking, tear out our throats and leave America dying in a huge pool of blood. Hey, Happy Holidays to you, too, Mikey!

According to the Homeland Security website, our official threat level for the holidays is YELLOW and the aviation threat level is ORANGE. You know and I know that we will never get down to GREEN or even BLUE, (which is really out of order, amplitudally speaking) nor will it ever be RED, because that will mean that there is not longer a threat, but an attack. I think this whole system is a bunch of colorful bull.

The truth is, all the terrorism in America this year has come from Americans.

Tell me, what are the most horrible, deadly things that have happened over the past year?

Just yesterday six students were shot at a schoolbus stop in Las Vegas in an altercation over a girl. Mikey is right, the holiday season IS a bad time for American terrorism: mall shootings in Nebraska, church shootings in Colorado, in April a shooter killed 32 people at Virginia Tech and these are only the BIG stories. Other school invasions and shootings occur leaving one or more student dead, sexually assaulted and/or held hostage. And that's just the schools. Americans never know when some nut is going to take a pot-shot at them: on the highway? At McDonalds? Going to a wedding? A funeral? Isn't there ANY place safe anymore?

I don't understand why President Bush and his Homeland Security have made such a bug-a-boo about foreign terrorists. More Americans have died from Bush starting the war with Iraq than in the 9-11 attacks. If we're fighting foreign terrorism, should we really be doing their job for them? I think they just got lucky because the Bush administration was full of dumbasses. The real threat to America is Americans, both at large and in the administration.

So, maybe it's time to quit teaching our kids that the way to solve problems is violence. Indiana Jones was funny when he pulled a gun and shot the guy he was fighting with a whip, but really, do you need to bring a gun to a fist fight? Isn't there another way to solve disagreements besides killing one another?

In the animal world, we don't fight to the death. We bluster and bite and hiss and claw, but when one of us beats the tar out of the other, the tarless one gives. Humans used to cry UNCLE! Now they yell EAT HOT LEAD! Sheesh, and you people are in charge of the planet.

I hear that guns don't kill people and that's true, I guess. Guns don't aim shoot on their own, cars don't get drunk and run over people, and knives don't throw themselves into people's ribs.

Mom knows a lady who was run over by a drunk driver. She was out looking for her cat one evening. When she crossed the road, the guy ran right into her. She went under the car and got smooshed down. Then he didn't stop and dragged her along for two blocks, smearing pieces of her all over the road the entire way. (the cat showed up home about the same time, all fine and dandy) That's bad enough.

But over in Amarillo, a high school student Brandon Camp killed Brian Deneke, another student, by running over him in his mother's Cadillac because the group of people Brian ran around with wore dark clothes, piercings and funny hair. Brandon drove over him yelling, "I'm a ninja in my Cadillac!"

Camp, a bloated jock, was given a suspended sentence and at graduation was applauded by the student body. Amarillo is a pretty sick place. Deneke was a pacifist, an artist and was planning to get his mohawk cut in the next few days for his family photo because it would make his parents happy. He died in his brother's arms.

As a cat, I can honestly say I abhor violence (except maybe against some nasty birdies, and then only if I can get through the screen). Homeland Security is rightly named. Most of our violent attacks start right here at home.

Merry Christmas, Mikey!

Mom's Got the Fever Again

Jeesh,

Mom's been really busy. I guess stuff is coming out of her brain like you-know-what coming out of a cat who ate castor oil! I think it's just falling right out.

First, mom does NOT like Martha Stewart. She yells THE FELON! every time she sees her on TV and wonders why everyone thinks she's just plain ol' innocent Martha peddling her wares when she's got a record that keeps her from buying a gun or voting. I think, hey, she paid her dues, leave the chick alone, right? But I guess mom holds grudges or something. She thinks that someone who held herself up as a model of American domesticity and profited so much from it, then went to prison because of her greed, should not just walk out of jail and be allowed to step into our homes as if she nothing ever happened. No one's learning a lesson here as far as she's concerned. Mom just can't stand her on those commercials with the Chicken-of-the-dirt-eating Jessica Simpson. So, she came up with this:



I swear, my mom is a nut.

Anyways, she's been working on these Mr. VooDoo Head dolls. Her friend back in NY was having trouble with a supervisor, so mom offered to make her a voodoo doll. So, she finally finished the first one, and it is a cuddly little thing with interchangeable face parts. That way you can use it again and again. It comes with a black candle, the parts and 13 pearl-headed pins, plus a genuine Spirit Feather (due to the dangers of obtaining the feathers of the endangered American Eagle, some feathers may be from a turkey). Let me show you:

MVH as a guy:


MVH as a girl:


MVH Kit:


I have to admit, the label and instruction sheet are hilarious. (It says they are hand-assembled by gay Haitian zombies)

Now she's getting ready to make candidate dolls for me to debate on video. I think that will be fun! I can't wait. (She says she'll put catnip in them! Come at me, Barak, BRING IT ON!)



Mom went to an art show yesterday because one of her paintings was hanging there. She said she wasn't happy with the way they hanged it (hung?) on the wall, kind of low and crooked in a back room, but at least it was up.


She said there were guitar players there, jugglers, carolers, AND- Mr and Mrs Claus were there, too. She got a pic on her phone, but we don't know how to transfer them yet, so you'll have to wait until we do in order to see it. She also said that there was lots of FREE FOOD, but Jenny Crack wouldn't let her eat any. Jeesh, she could at LEAST have brought some home for us.

Well, I have more to report on the home front, but I think this is plenty for now. Mom's brain is gurgling again, and she told me she's thinking about a new painting, one with handprints in it. It sounds interesting, but I hope it doesn't have to go to the FBI for approval. Mom's a little wild and crazy sometimes (mostly in her past, though) and who knows what fingerprints will tell us?

Talk to ya later, kitties

Perry

Approved by Perry Tenitiss
Perry Tenitiss for President in 2008 Campaign
K. Fairweather, Chairman

The New New Deal

"WASHINGTON (AP) -- There is "a high risk of a catastrophic runway collision occurring in the United States," congressional investigators concluded Wednesday."
Although this comment is alarming, the statistics that follow say that the chances of being hit in an airplane by another airplane are 6.05 out of every one million air traffic operations, or .0000605%. Long odds, I should say, since your chances of being T-boned at any given intersection in Texas by my mom's mom are about 30-1. Still, when a car hits a car, or even a van and a bus, there are not 100 people involved, nor are survivors likely to be falling thousands of feet to the ground. Still, the skies are crowded and it's not getting any better.

Alternative? The AmTrack system. This is an out-dated, inconvienient, overcrowded and under-maintained system of passenger railways that serves mainly the East Coast, but does have a few vines running dismally (and expensively) through the vast back-woods known as the rest of America. Stops are nearly arbitrary and although many, many places have rails running through them, almost none of them have passenger service.

Or, you could take a bus. Or you could hitchhike. Neither of these options are near as safe or clean as they were back in the glory days of the Great Depression, World War II or even those socially conscious days of the Great American Love Movement.

Or, you can drive. Or you could back when you didn't have to mortgage the children to take a trip over the river and through the woods to visit Grandma and Grandpa for the holidays. But, thanks to our benevolent and beneficial foreign policies and this administration's obsession with aiding "bidness", gasoline is now only a sweet nostalgia for many of us. We struggle to put enough into our tanks to go to work to pay for our rent and groceries.

So, what, you ask, is a person to do nowadays?

Well, I have an idea.

Many, or I dare say most of us don't remember the Great Depression first hand, but we know about it, Roosevelt and The New Deal. The Works Projects Administration (WPA) and the Civillian Conservation Corps (CCC) gave jobs to thousands out of work by creating public projects and putting funds out into the communities. Workers traveled all over the country following the programs to stay employed and sent money home to their starving families. And the country was given such wonderful advantages as the Tennessee Valley Authority, the Hoover Dam and beautiful and enduring works of art that can be seen in and on buildings built under these programs all around the nation. Right now we are blowing $12 billion dollars a month in Iraq. Why don't we just come home and put that money to good use here?

I propose that we recreate Franklin Delano Roosevelt's programs under the New Deal and go to work putting in a National Passenger Rail system. And I don't mean to put passenger trains on existing rail lines. Let me explain.



Why can't we map out a sensible web of routes with major traffic leading to a smaller set of webs leading to a yet smaller set? With this type of technology, trains could be elevated and stacked with smaller, low-passenger lines circling between larger trunk lines. That way a person from Mouskin, for example, could catch a train to, say Austin, then go to Kansas City Hub and from there go back down the mountain to where ever: Chicago to Cleveland to Solan or Los Angeles to El Mirage or Jacksonville to Crystal River, Florida? Let me show you an example:

And while we're at it, why should it take days to get across the country? The technology is available for high-speed, magnetic-levitation (mag-lev) bullet trains that can take passengers quick as a wink from one city to the next. The mag-lev trains actually travel without touching a rail, so the frictionless travel requires much less energy than a conventional train. And, with the need for electricity and not fuel, energy sources need not be combustible. Solar cells and microwave concentrators could be used to generate electricity both on the trains themselves and along the right of ways of the new routes. Other non-combustible sources of energy could also be used such as wind power, water power and even geothermal and tidal power. Think of it, high-speed, long-distance travel with no pollution and NO GASOLINE! And, since we are teetering on the brink of another depression, I think that a pre-emptive strike on American unemployment makes more sense than on non-existent weapons of mass destruction, don't you?

And think of the advantages: People could live farther out from their jobs, more people could commute to high-paying jobs, small, abandoned towns could become revitalized, education opportunities would become more readily available, cultural exchange would be facilitated, travel could become affordable again, commerce would cover a wider area, large health centers would become more available to the average citizen and Americans would have something to be proud of again. (Plus, cats could go ANYWHERE!) What's wrong with this picture?

Well, I'm sure there is a downside, but let me ask you, what do you think about the upside? Is it something worth exploring? I can tell you, it's something we can do! And how do I know?

Because there is nothing I have just mentioned that has not already been done. All we have to do is get it through our heads that we could use a safer, more efficient and effective way to travel across this country. And, that together, we can afford it. I mean, really, look at what we're paying for now. And remember, we've pulled together and done it before. Better transportation, increases in commerce and more jobs. Now, you tell me, hmmm?

Perry Tenitiss
Perry for President in 2007

A Turkey Story

Well, here it is almost the end of November and I haven't even told you about our Thanksgiving yet. I'm such a bum. Well, the real reason is tryptophan. Yes, turkey coma. Mom gave us LOTS of turkey and we all passed out for a couple of days. However, let me start at the beginning:

First of all, mom and dad thought they were too fat (I, personally, think they are quite comfortable, but whatever) so they went on the Jenny Crack diet. Every two weeks the Fedex guy rings the doorbell and leave two boxes on the porch. The dogs, of course, being the well-trained and naturally inclined watch animals they are, alert frightfully when the man- rings the doorbell. By then, whichever human is sitting in the living room has heard the truck stop, looked out, gone to the door and started to open it. And, of course, they go berserk as if some huge axe-toting, blood-spattered, dog-murdering psychopath was ringing that bell. Mom starts yelling, "GET back! Get BACK! I said GET BACK" and the guy with the boxes starts to turn pasty white, sweat and back up because he knows a pack of hell hounds is clawing the walls trying to get through the bricks at him. During all the confusion, sometimes Smokey and I make a break for the door and run outside, although it's been a bit chilly for that lately. Smokey usually just stays by the porch or goes around to the back fence. I always run out in the front yard and around the corner of the house. I do that when dad's at the door because he starts swearing and yelling and runs out after me. I wait around the corner and when he gets to me I run over to the oak trees and pretend I'm gonna climb up there. Then, when he just about has me, I jump over his head and hide behind the air conditioner. Boy me and dad have a lot of fun. Well, I do anyways.

But back to my story. When mom and dad went on the Jenny Crack diet, mom forgot that her good friend JO was gonna smoke a turkey for her. She said that couldn't be good for his lungs, but he's done it for a few years now and she says it's the best turkey she's ever had. Mom LOVES turkey. In fact, if you could make a chocolate turkey I think mom wouldn't worry about going to heaven. She'd already be there.

So, dad had bought a little turkey breast, and they asked The Emily if she wanted a ham and she said, "I don't care, whatever". They didn't ask me or we'd have been having salmon for Thanksgiving. Salmon and trout pie. Mmmmm....
But, then mom remembered that JO was going to bring the smoked turkey over and they put that turkey breast in the freezer for later. The turkey came while they were at the movies watching The Mist. (Stephen King said don't tell the ending, and if you did you should be "hung by the neck", so I'm not telling) Anyways, JO came over with the turkey while they were gone.

Now JO is a very nice man, and he has longish gray hair and wears a long, gray beard. When he showed up at the front door with the turkey, of course the dogs went insane. The Emily was here with Kemper Kitty some of her friends. It was really cold out, so we kitties were all at our posts on top of the furniture. So, he put the turkey on the table for us all, and said, "Happy Thanksgiving!" and left. The Emily's friends eyes were really big. They turned around to her and said, "Was THAT Santa Claus?" He was driving a white Dodge Ram. I don't think so.

Well, for the rest of the time the dogs laid under the table "guarding" the turkey and Smokey and I took turns guarding it from the dogs. After all, we had to check it out for hazardous substances, right? It checked out ok, but we stayed close, just to be sure. Brigid is the taller of the dogs and every once in a while we'd see her nose sneak up over the edge of the table and we'd have to defend our territory. Whack!
Mom and dad came home and mom raided the turkey, she probably couldn't help it because it smelled REALLY good and she said it tasted good, too.

Well, the next day everyone got up (except The Emily, she's not a "morning person") and cooked up some stuff for dinner. They really didn't have too much because of the whole Jenny Crack thing and The Emily isn't much on foods that mix up, like dressing and things like that. She says she likes her foods pure and not touching on the plate. I don't understand it. I'll eat a hole in the bag to get to MY food. Some people are just wierd, I guess.

Anyways, dad made his super good mashed taters (mom calls them "praities") and a little stuffing and some beans. They all chowed down, but mom told dad not to make to many taters because of the Jenny Crack. I though dad's eyes would pop right out of his head when she said that! He was going to make the whole BAG of them and mom said only use four or five at the most. "WHAT???" Mom backed off like she's come up on a rattlesnake. I don't know how many he made because I'm a turkey guy myself.

Ah, the turkey. It was kind dark on account of all the smoke, but it smelled deLISHIOUS! The dogs circled KK's high chair like sharks in case he dropped anything. Finally mom and dad put them in the back room. It made them feel safe to have the JAWS out of the dining room. Us cats just hung out on top of stuff and enjoyed the view. We know good things come to those who wait. And BOY did they! After the table was cleared and mom was cutting up the turkey, she gave us a WHOLE (almost) TURKEY LEG! Yup, believe it or not, she put it right up on the table on one of her favorite plates and let us eat it up there where the dogs couldn't steal it. It was wonderful. I love my mom.

Mom snacked on the turkey for the next couple of days. I learned something during that time. Pumpkin is turkey-aggressive! She'll get right up by the plate if humans are eating chicken, but she'll get right up IN it if there's turkey involved! Wow! Mom was trying to eat some turkey in front of the TV and Pumpkin (remember: paranoid psycho-kitty thinks she's a chicken) got right in her lap and tried to snatch from the plate! I was dumbfounded. Smokey was surprised, but she's so cool she didn't let it show.

And poor Smokey. Still probably diabetic, she has to eat canned cat food now, all rich and juicy and yummy... and we have to eat it, too. Darn! Dad likes to buy the fishy stuff which is ok with me, but The Emily has a thing about smelling fish (it smells like FISH!) but I don't care. Mom is more the chicken and game-bird type. She'll give us that before the fish. She likes fish herself, but she likes the smell of the chicken cat food. Hmmm... could be the diet.

For crack, the food on the diet appears to be tasty. I know mom has told them NO BEEF. She says beef just isn't very nice to her stomach. She likes cows, though, just not INSIDE her. That's probably a relief to her cow friends. I know it is to mine. And to Oprah, too, I bet. But there's lots of chicken burritos, bean stuff, cereals, frozen meals, and chocolate cheesecake. Oh, did I say CHEESECAKE? Yup. Cheesecake on crack. Go figure.

Mom and dad are getting a lot skinnier. I can start to feel lumps where the bones are in some places. It's gonna be bad if they get bony. I happen to like padded humans myself. Smokey is bony and she's never comfortable. Of course, some of that has to do with KK. He was on the bed today airing out after his bath and Smokey was up there, too. Now I don't know why she puts up with it, but she'll lay there while he lays all over her, pats her really hard, pinches her and all kind of cruel baby tortures. If it hurts she just yeowls, but doesn't move. Mom and dad and The Emily are trying to teach him how to be gentle and they figure if Smokey has enough she'll get up and leave. So today, he was laying on her, patting her, pulling her fur and she just laid there. Then he grabbed her back foot and she made some noise and tried to shake him off. So, he grabbed her tail and started moving it up and down like he was pumping for oil or something. She didn't like that and yeowled, so he went back and grabbed her foot again. She reached up to nip him just as he let go and went for her tail again and pumped it.

Now, Smokey is entirely declawed a long, long time ago because she was scratching her skin off of her head because of allergies. I'm not declawed at all, because I have such beautiful claws and because I am very well behaved. Pumpkin, the you-know-what kitty, has her front claws declawed, because if they weren't, mom and dad would be carted off to the trauma center anytime they tried to take her to the vet. Mom has long, thin, white scars on her arms from where she's tried to take her. Consequently, Pumpkin has not been to the vet for some time.

Anyways, back to KK. He was pumping Smokey's tail again and she had just about had enough. She reached over really fast and swatted his hand with her paw and hissed. He stopped short and dropped her tail in surprise. Smokey split. Then he turned around to mom and his face crumpled up like a little ball of paper and he started crying. Smokey THUMPED him! Man, mom was laughing. Dad came out of the shower and he was laughing, too. Even KYRA was laughing, and she has no sense of humor at all. Then when he stopped, he turned around to the dog and smacked his hand on his knee and said, "KYRA!" She took one look at him and jumped off the bed and ran out into the living room. That dog ain't takin' no orders from a one year old, nosirree!

Well, things are going pretty good around here. Mom and dad are still griping at each other. That's SNAFU. And The Emily is still going out all night and sleeping all day. Personally, I think she's a vampire, but I've seen her eat fried rice with garlic, so I don't know. Maybe she's one of those cross-breeds. She does hate the smell of fish, maybe that means something. And KK is a riot. We have fun playing chase-the-tail. He almost gets us, then we RUUUUUN! He just laughs and drools. I swear, that kid could water the Sahara the way he drools. They could grow corn for fuel and our cows would be happier and we could still depend on Middle Eastern Oil. Mazola.

Can't wait for Christmas!

Perry

Approved by Perry Tenitiss
Perry Tenitiss for President in 2008 Campaign
K. Fairweather, Chairman

Wierd Christmas Toys and Other Stuff

Howdy from Mouskin, Texas!

Mom went out and got some bumper sticker paper for the printer today, so I'll be finally getting the contest done soon. Since it has been so long, if anyone else wants to send one in, or you want to remind me of what you DID send in (because there's a slim possibility that I have misPLACED it), please do.

Well, mom has been free associating again, and has come up with some really interesting toy ideas that you probably don't want to give to your kids for Christmas.

1) The Drama Queen Cell Phone- This cute cell phone is toddler-sized but has all the same features as mommy's phone. Children can answer various ring tones, including "Baby's Got Back", "I'm Too Sexy", and "Rehab" . Your child will be able to mute, hold, and conference call with her friends. The phone has fifteen fun phrases like, "I'm nah zoo trunk to drive, Ossifer!", "Paris! OHMYGOD! It's Paris!", "Have mommy call my lawyer" and "I think I'm pregnant again". The Drama Queen Phone comes in pink, black and glitter gold. Made in China. Ages 3 and up.

2) Baby Upchuck- Treat your boy or girl to all the joys of parenthood. Baby Upchuck has all the features of a real baby! Feed Baby Upchuck and watch him spit it up. Give him a drink and he chokes and vomits. Baby Upchuck's diapers really need changing!
This precious doll has a realistic cry with a four-hour timer and a sound sensing device. Guaranteed to deposit fluids when held upright. Comes with special food and water for diaper authenticity. Anatomically correct. Ages 5 and up. Special model for teenagers with built-in sex detector.

3) MCI Trauma Set- Let your little helper practice with the MCI Trauma Set. Comes with "Live Action" wreckers, firetrucks, ambulances, police cars, and damaged vehicles with real sirens, lights and screams of the injured. Forty-five exciting action figures include injured patients, paramedics and rubberneckers. Two crashable tractor-trailers and one church van included.
Hazmat module includes flammable tanker, hazmat team and six dead policeman.

4) Mr. VooDoo Head- By the makers of Mr. Potato Head, Mr. VooDoo Head is a doll with interchangeble parts. Is your teacher blonde? Big-nosed? Well, Mr. VooDoo head has it all. Is the school bully a red-headed dwarf? Depend on Mr. VooDoo Head. Comes with 24 pins and black candle. Personal items not included. Ages 8 and up.

OK, so I told you she was on the odd side. Well, that's about it for now. We'll be eating birdie on Thursday and going to Arlington on Friday, so I'll be catching you up from there. Mom and The Emily and KK and I will be going to the Bridal Shower for Morgan's Beth. Mom says it will be a long drive. Emily says it'll be a long drive because she'll be with mom. Kemper and I say, "Bring it on!!!"

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Perry

Supporting Our Soldiers Overseas

I sent this letter out to some of our soldiers overseas. You can, too:

Send A Thank You Message

And, you animal lovers can help them out this way, too!

Helping Soldiers' Pets


******************
Hello,

I'm Perry Tenitiss, a cat who lives in Mouskin, Texas. I know what you're doing over there in that big catbox is very important, because without you there protecting us, good old Americans and their cats (and dogs, too, I guess) would not be safe at home. I understand from my mom and dad that it is a very nasty place to be, and fight, even though some of the people are nice. I wish you could come back home soon so that you could pet your kitties and see your families and play with your babies.

Let me tell you about us here in Mouskin. I live with my mom, dad, two other kitties (Smokey and Pumpking the Psycho Cat) two dogs (Kyra the Nosy and Brigid the Idjit), The Emily and her little Kemper Kitty. KK just turned a year old yesterday (but I haven't gotten to lick any cake yet) and he's fast and loud. (And, I suppose cute by human standards) We call him Kemper Kitty because his name is Kemper and when he first came to the house with The Emily (mom and dad's female offspring) we didn't know WHAT he was. He made funny mew-mew sounds, so we thought he might be another cat, but he was all bald and big and everything, so unless he was one of those hairless kitties (sorry, I think they are not too pretty) then he must have been a new mutation.

Everybody sure liked him, though. The dogs (especially Brigid, she's such a synchophant) were always up in his business, panting and licking. I thought they were tasting him at first, but I guess they were just trying to kiss him. And mom and dad were all ga-ga over him. Smokey (she's pretty cool for an old gal) checked him out, decided he wasn't a threat to the food supply and then ignored him. And we had PEOPLE coming in the house! STRANGE people, people we didn't KNOW! People who SMELLED funny! Kyra, of course, kept trying to get out, so she and Brigid got to spend a lot of time locked in the back room.

When I finally went to check out the Kemper Kitty, I kinda snuck in real quiet-like, because he was asleep and all. I went into his cage (because it doesn't have a top on it. I guess he's not much of a jumper) and took a sniff.

MAN! Did that cat stink! WHOOOOOOEEE!~ I immediately tried to cover him up, but he woke up and started meowing loudly. The Emily, mom and dad all came in (and of course the stupid dogs came in and started barking) and they were all yelling at me to get out of the cage. As if it were MY fault he didn't get to the litter box!

Well, I ran out of there and hid up on top of the bookshelf for a while. I watched while they checked him out. Mom really wasn't worried, she knows me. She said, "Perry was just checking him out is all," and everyone calmed down. Dad yelled at the dogs (I think that is his favorite thing to do) and everyone went back to their business.

Smokey came up to the bookshelf later and we had a good laugh about how everyone went crazy and a serious discussion about how we were going to handle the stinky new kitten. We decided that when he smelled too bad, we'd wake up dad. He'd make enough noise to get everyone up and they'd put a new portable litter box on him. (the things they come up with these days!)

Anyways, as he got older, he started rolling around,so we thought he might be a bear cub or a possum or something. (Sometimes we really thought he was a skunk!) Later, he started to travel around on all fours, so maybe a dog, right? Well, no. Come to find out he walks around on two legs now (well runs, actually). He's a miniature human! Go figure. He's gotten so fast that I have to watch out he doesn't grab my tail. (fortunately, he babbles constantly and loudly, so it's like having a bell on the dog)Pumpkin-psycho-cat avoids him like the plague and Smokey actually lets him pet her. Mom is always telling him "Be NICE to the kitty!" "Don't PINCH the kitty." Honestly, I don't know why Smokey let's him near her. He dives onto her, pats her, squishes her, pulls on her, all kinds of torture, smiling and giggling the entire time. The humans take him off if he gets too rough. But Smokey won't LEAVE! She sits there and takes it, meowing loudly. Maybe she's trying to make brownie points for her next life. Who know. Maybe she's a masocat.

Anyways, he had his birthday party last night at Logan's Steak House in Amarillo, Texas. Mom was incredibly unimpressed, left early and called the manager (who's name was Cat). Mom meowed at her about the lack of service over the phone. Apparently, the Cat-Manager went over to Kemper Kitty's table and started yelling at the people who stayed! They were totally confused and mom didn't tell them about the call. I love my mom. She's so evil.

Oh, there's another person in the family. He is The Morgan. He lives in Hell (that's what mom calls it, but dad says it's Houston) with His Beth. He's going to vet school just to take care of humans. Such a waste. The Morgan and His Beth are getting married right after Christmas. Mom says that will be fun and if I'm a good kitty, she'll take me, too. I love weddings! The last one I went to I wrote all about. It was a weird one. I don't think this one will be, though. Most of the main participants are sane.

Well, I guess I'm running out of space here, so I'd better say goodby. I want to thank you for being where you are and doing what you're doing. We all here know that you miss your friends and families at home. With Thanksgiving just days away, I know you will be sad to be away. I'll be sure to write you about our Thanksgiving so you won't be so sad. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, by the way! It's the day when the most birdies kick the bucket!!! Hehehehe!

Meow and thanks,
Perry

Perry Answers Your Beefs About Christmas

Dear Perry,

I'm Angry!

To the hordes of middle-class dribblers out there to whom Christmas means nothing more than an excuse to spend excessive amounts of money on food that will go off before it's eaten and hundreds of toys for children who are so ridiculously spoilt that they'll never even play with half of them I say fine... go spend... Merry Christmas... but while you're enjoying p*ssing your $40 bottles of Chateau De B*tch P*ss up against the side of the house on New Years eve and dribbling it all over your latest $200 brogues... give a little thought to the hundreds of thousands of people who have absolutely next to f*ck-all to celebrate... The Homeless, The Poor, The Infirm both at home and abroad who not only have nothing but have had to watch basically 3 months of TV and Shop Windows detailing EXACTLY what they CAN'T have and WON'T be able to enjoy.

I am SICK to the back teeth of this increasingly widening mass commercialization of what should be a time of coming together and being a family.

I KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS. I'M THIRTY F*CKING FOUR. I'VE HAD THIRTY F*CKING FOUR OF THEM. I DO NOT NEED TO BE REMINDED IN F*CKING OCTOBER THANKS VERY MUCH.

Society is truly on it's *ss and as far as I'm concerned it can stick it's own version of the 'Season of giving' (cash to Fat Sweaty Cats that is) up it's cavernous *ss.

Anonymous and Angry

*****

Dear Anonymous and Angry,

I understand your perplexion at this phenomenon and I address that here.

Being a cat, I resent your reference to "Fat Sweaty Cats". I do, however, empathize with your sentiments about Christmas in the United States.

First, let me say for a country that is so socially sensitive about religion, the embarrassing commercialization of this Christian holiday surprises me. Why is it even a holiday and recognized by the government? To be politically correct, this holiday should be dropped from the calendar entirely. We should go straight from Thanksgiving (an activity in which everyone may participate, religious or no) to New Years Day (which, technically, should fall on December 22nd, the shortest day of the year)

This year, Americans are suffering the Christmas crunch and that is forcing retailers and related businesses to advertise like wildmen. With the price of oil so high, and the subsequent fallout of milk, corn, and shipping in general following right along, consumers have less discretionary income. Then, too, the rising rate of recalls on toys for children has made people wary of what they are purchasing for their offspring. Toy stores are hurting with their unsaleable inventories and jacking up the prices of safe toys to make up the difference. (As a side note, some single men are buying and making necklaces for women from the beads that turn into Rohypnal when moistened)

Not to excuse the premature infatuation, but Christmas is a time for humans to feel good about themselves. They take on the "Christmas Cheer" and imagine "Goodwill Toward Men". They think about being good to others, but they've already made their thanks in November and don't feel obligated to share with anyone but their loved ones. Retailers reinforce this mindset with ideas of homey, snuggly fires and snow falling gently outside. (Even though Americans live in such varied climates as Arctic glaciers, vast deserts and tropical islands) The American Christmas is about family.

Of course, most humans can't stand their families, well some of them, anyways, and stress rules supreme during the "holiday season". People compensate with massive doses of high-fat, high calorie, high colestrol, yummy, tasty foods. They over-bake in anticipation of family stress, but end up with tons of leftovers nationally due to the massive consumption of alcohol. Often, humans remain intoxicated from mid-November until the close of the season January 2nd.

As for those of us who do not fall into the category of "Average American", the homeless, the poor, the elderly, the lonely, the battered, the hungry, the ill, relatively small groups of people work hard to induce guilt into the mainstream population in order to provide food, clothing and gifts for these folks. Paradoxically, the same retailers who thrive on the Christmas holiday also turn away bell ringers from the Salvation Army who are raising funds for food and shelter for those left behind in America. Go figure.

The best gift anyone can give during the holidays (and any other time of the year) is the gift of service. Thanksgiving, the kitchens and food pantries are overstaffed with people wanting to help out. The remainder of the year, however, they cry for volunteers.

For Christmas, pick up an angel or two from the trees in the mall and buy warm clothes for children who are in the welfare system. Go buy some of those expensive toys and take them to the Marine Corps annual Toys for Tots program. Take your food (not leftovers) and go have dinner at the senior center. Buy a set of dishes and pots and pans for the battered women's shelter. Buy some nice, warm blankets and take them to the people out on the streets, freezing in their old clothes.

That's what Christmas is about. If all the spending at Christmas went where it was needed, there would be very little need.

Oh, and by the way, there is no role for cats in Christmas, so it isn't much of a holiday as far as I'm concerned.

Perry Tenitiss
perryforpresident@gmail.com
www.myspace.com/catmandeux

Perry For President - Answers Your Questions

Dear Perry,

I am interested in knowing what Perry's policies. For instance does he have an exit strategy for the war? How does he stand on health care, a mouse for everyone perhaps? For education does he favor or wish to abolish the 'no kitties left behind' program?

Liz the Artist



Dear Liz,

Thank you for your questions about my platform. I will address them one at a time:

Economics- Our economy is failing in the fallout of the Bush administrations "Monopoly" paradigm, or "make up some money and spend it". This administration has racked up a debt higher than all the presidents before him combined! He has borrowed so much money that our country has two liens against it.

My ideas are as follows:

1) STOP BORROWING MONEY!
2) STOP SPENDING $12 BILLION A MONTH IN IRAQ! (yes, I said BILLION!)
3) Get off this oil camel and invest in non-combustible energy. We have sun and wind and water that moves. The earth is warm. There's enough energy there to keep this country running. (And let's have the oil companies contribute to the R&D!)
4) Pass no more spending bills that are not accompanied by clear and viable ways in which to fund them.

Exit Strategy: The strategy of the Bush administration that got us into this war was "lie, ignore, kill! kill! kill!" I think we can "truth, pay attention, leave! leave! leave!" Yes, I am aware that those people need protection, however, they needed protection before we got there and will need it when we are gone. Unless they decide to start talking to one another, they will continue to war and kill just like they have for the last four thousand years. Our little interlude really makes no difference.

By the way, since September 11th, 2001, the actions of the Bush administration in Iraq have killed far more Americans than the terrorists did. I thought the point was to SAVE American lives.

Universal Health Coverage: Although I doubt we can actually provide adequate health care for everyone in the universe, I do feel that it is important that every American has access to vet care. Spaying, neutering, rabies, FIV, distemper and all other vaccinations as well as well baby and wellness monitoring should be available to every American. The AMA has made good health a commodity instead of a right. And insurance companies take as much as they can. One constituent of mine had an angioplasty. He was self-employed, had no insurance and was 61. He paid many times more than he would have on medicare. He's campaigning against that now in Florida. And I agree with him.

Education: Most Americans are taught by their parents and extended families. Humans, however, seem to feel the Socratic method (thought up by a human, by the way) is unacceptable for their litters. I believe that education should be available to everyone. Further, I believe that humans should be educated to provide for themselves and raise their own offspring. The first thing I would do is reinstate the use of the McGuffey Readers. Children will be taught all the mental skills they need: reading, writing, arithmetic, memorization, logic, orderliness, manners, stewardship, first aid, pet care, gardening and food preparation. As they gain skills, more customized learning will be available: preparedness, childrearing, housekeeping, auto repair, plumbing, botany, animal husbandry, carpentry, mathematics, poetry, creative writing, bookkeeping, and basic medical skills. All of these things will make for better, more well-adjusted humans, better learning environments, safer schools and a much more wonderful America for all of us who live here.

Thank you so much for asking. I appreciate your interest.

Perry Tenitiss
Perry for President in 2008
To Contact Perry Tenitiss: PerryforPresident@gmail.com
For more information on my campaign and personal life, go to www.myspace.com/catmandeux Approved by Perry Tenitiss
Perry Tenitiss for President in 2008 Campaign, K. Fairweather, Chairman

The Secret

This document was originally published August 4, 2007

The Secret
OR
Why America Need Me


Yes, I'm a cat, but in this time of human scandals, greed and just plain stupidity, I believe I am

just as viable a candidate as anyone else out there. In fact, I am better. Other candidates have skeletons in their closets, foibles and bad habits, spurious friends and questionable connections. Their records are spotty in many cases and, in one case in particular, there is doubt about the candidate's species. With all things, seemingly, being equal, Americans really don't know where to turn. They cry unto me, "Alas, what is this world coming to?"

That's when I tell them "The Secret".

But first, here's the problem: People are funny. Just ask Bill Cosby. But they have a lot of things in common. First, they want to be admired. This is something cats expect and get in daily life, so it does not sway us. However, humans will do some very strange things in order to make people like them. They will lie, they will cheat, they will perform depicable acts and they will "grin and bear it" (a concept no cat understands) just to remain in some other human's favor. I just don't get it. The idea foreign to felines.

Secondly, humans want STUFF. They want houses and clothes and jewelry and cars and swimming pools (ugh...shudder!) and money and all KINDS of stuff. I understand needing stuff, because humans are ill-equipped to deal with the real world. How they managed to avoid extinction is beyond me. They have no fur, no functional claws, no speed, no fangs, no nothing. Heck, they're not even smart enough to know they don't need all that stuff. AND, they think that because they have stuff, that makes them smarter. Let me just ask, with a brain waaaaay bigger than a human's, what stuff does a whale need? A house? A car? Jewelry? Or a porpoise? Chocolate? Fine wine? If humans were made to survive in the modern world, they wouldn't need any STUFF. And because they like stuff so much, it makes them vulnerable. You can make people do what you want them to with stuff.

On the other hand, a cat is not subject to temptation, bribery or greed. We don't need large sums of money, designer jeans or fur coats (hey, already got that!). We don't need big cars, big houses or big boats named "The Cat-stir". We don't want kickbacks or influence or power. I don't have a drinking problem and the lure of sexual indiscretion is non-existent (I've been fixed). All a cat could want is decent food to eat, clean water to drink and a warm place to sleep. Of course, a little tuna goes a long way, and some catnip is nice in moderation, but that isn't enough to entice me away from my goals.

And Power rounds out the big three. Power, what is that, anyways? Humans like to have POWER, like, they NEED it. Power mowers, power tools, power locks and windows, power of heaven, etc. Power, as I understand it, is the ability to make other people do what they don't want to do even if it's wrong. Power Kills.

How does the president send American citizens to Iraq to kill and be killed? That's not what they want. It's because he has POWER. People think power is good, that to em-power yourself is to make yourself better and more satisfied. Well, take it from a cat, you don't have any power. Just when you think you're all powered up, along comes a big-ass pit bull to chew you up and spit you out. Your life is over. Just ask Michael Vick. Just ask those folks in the World Trade Center.

Humans have "reality" TV, but in real life they are completely out of touch with reality. Hey, Humans, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY SPECIES ON THE PLANET! And no matter what your God told you, you aren't the only ones that count.

And that, my friends, is The Secret.

Humans can only understand other humans (and most of the time, they can't even do that). So what this country needs is a candidate without human biases, a candidate who does not need to feel liked by everyone and be empowered by stuff.
Once a cat makes a decision, it is made. It is only a well put together, common sense argument that will sway him (well and maybe some tuna fish). Cats think outside the litterbox, friends, we think of other cats, dogs, guinea pigs and hens, and ALL kinds of creatures, even humans. I want what's best for ALL of America, not just the self-involved human inhabitants.

And we can do that, with a little common sense, integrity and the ability to hear what others are saying. Let's have accessible Vet Care for EVERYONE. And humans, it's time you adopted a sensible spay-neuter program! Let US take on environmental issues. Hey, we're the ones who have to live in your garbage dump! So there it is:

Humans- unreliable narcissists
Cats- great leaders

So, what are you waiting for?

perryforpresident@gmail.com

Fuzzy McCain

Dear Constituents,

Well, here I am again, and I have the puter all to myself. Mom is all moaning and groaning because now her back hurts again (I thought she was cured, but apparently not, although she says she still is, it’s just hurting temporarily). Go figure. So, while she’s answering the phones at work, a mighty task, I’m writing to you.

I don’t know if you’ve seen the news lately, but there’s a lot of weird stuff going on. First, let me talk about coal. There was a commercial on this morning about how clean burning coal should replace nasty, politic-ridden oil as a fuel source for the United States, a move which would bring us both fresh air and freedom. But if you’ve been watching what’s been going on in Utah over the last month, you’ll see that coal mining does terrible things to the earth, making it rumble and move (oh, and burn) and kill miners. You know, I suppose it’s possible, but I’ve never heard of a Solar Collector tragedy. And I suppose someone could fall off a windmill, but it shouldn’t take weeks to dig them out of the ground.

What was really sad about this incident, besides the miners and their families, was watching the CEO of the company slowly lose his mind. The stress on the man was evident as he went from concern for his company to concern for his employees and their families to almost complete incoherence. It was as sad to watch his decline as the decline of hope for the miners. And when another collapse occurred, killing rescuers, it seemed to be the last straw for him. He may never be the same again. In fact, he may not live out the year. Stress kills, you know.

Let’s move a bit geographically now to where Senator Larry Craig has taken the name of his state to heart, Idaho. Playing around under the bathroom stalls is a pursuit that usually ends by the time boys are about twelve. And listen, Larry, you can get an extension mirror at Sears for under fifteen bucks to check if the guy in the next stall is a cop! You can tell the times they are a changin’ when instead of Nixon’s “I am not a crook!” you hear Larry’s “I am not a gay!”

Senator Craig’s I-did-it-but-I-didn’t stance, along with today’s revelation of leaving an important message (with his name, for God’s sake!) on the wrong voicemail makes me wonder why the Great State of Idaho would elect someone dumb-as-a-spud to begin with. Perhaps they really didn’t know. Or, perhaps they wanted an agricultural representative. Or, perhaps he was just wearing smart-looking glasses. Who’s to say? A man like this is just too stupid to be a senator. Wait a minute! What am I saying?

Yesterday John McCain, the mighty brain of the Republican Party and their leading candidate for the presidency, went to New Hampshire’s Concord High School and took questions from the student body. When asked about his age and possibility of Altzheimer’s disease (a reasonable question considering Reagan’s entire second term was served in the throes of the illness), he answered that his children talked about McCain “hiding his own Easter eggs” and told the student who asked him, "Thanks for the question, you little jerk. ... You're drafted." This flippant remark is an example of the lack of respect Republicans in general and John McCain in particular have for anyone who can’t help them NOW. This student will be voting in a few years, unless he is, in fact, drafted into some bogus and pointless war and killed before an election comes around. It’s happening now. McCain’s comment was meant to be funny. It wasn’t.

McCain, at this interview, and his cohorts at others all take a stand against same-sex marriage as a threat to traditional marriage. That’s like saying the length of skirts in China has an effect on the color of the rice we eat in America. It’s a crock. The recognition of marriage as an institution is important, yes, but marriage, when you get down to it, is about contracts and contracts are about money. Money is what makes the elephant go ‘round.

Same-sex partnerships want the same legal recognition as traditional marriage partners: spousal rights, benefits, insurance, next of kin, custody, inheritance. Under current laws same sex partners have no say in the care of their loved ones. Imagine any mother forced into giving up her child to her in-laws because her husband died. Or trying to carry out your wife’s living will only to have her parents come in and take over. Or leaving your home and belongings to start over because you had no right of inheritance. I just don’t see the threat to traditional marriage. What I DO see is the continued torture and discrimination against those people who choose non-traditional relationships over traditional marriage. Show me how it’s hurting boy/girl marriage. I’ll eat my tail.

And then there’s Michael Vick, who I hate to say, is really getting the shaft. Yes, I know he owned the place where the dog fighting was and yes, he is responsible for all of that death, destruction and cruelty. However, the DA is cutting deals with everyone just to get to Vick, the famous name, to make his reputation. And that, my friends, is wrong. No one should be getting a deal on this one, especially those folks who are squealing on Vick, the ones who were down in the pits betting and beating and killing the animals. This is the first case under the new federal anti-animal fighting law and it’s being used to crucify a famous figure. Don’t get me wrong, he deserves what he gets, but he shouldn’t be getting it alone. By the way, if you remember, the president signed this bill into law the day after I declared my candidacy. Coincidence? I think not.

Well, on the home front, Dad is working extra hours (he says it’s because mom is buying stuff, but it’s just because he’s bored) and The Emily is doing her The Emily stuff. Kemper Kitty got sick right before we went home to see mom’s doctor, and he had…ASTHMA!!! Holy cow, mom said, not another one. He has a little breathing machine and everything now. It’s shaped like a cow head and painted like one and the case for it is a little red barn. Mom says it’s way cuter than the big old boot-box sized one that The Morgan had to use. The Doc said that KK has the allergy rings under his eyes and everything, so they’re gonna be testing him sometime. Dad gets this gleam in his eye and says, “Well, if he’s allergic to animals, we’ll have to get rid of them all. We’ve done it before and we can do it again!” Then comes the maniacal grin.

The Emily says, “Not Smokey!” and mom says, “Not Perry! He’s allergy proof!” I guess that leaves ol’ Pumpkin and the dogs out in the cold, huh? Well, the dogs are both getting pretty old. It would be cruel to give Kyra away and Brigid was a little puppy when they got her. Pumpkin, of course, is an entirely different story. She needs to go to a zoo, somewhere that she can roam wild and free, hide from predators (like vacuum cleaners and such) and pretend she’s a chicken once in a while. Maybe a farm would be best. She’s weird enough to spook the coyotes.

When we flew back to Austin, we came on Southwest Airlines, the best airline in the world! Mom was so happy because they fly 737s and have big leather seats and she could preboard to get a seat which had leg room for her to stretch out her hip and stuff. There was even room for me to look around! And when we got to Love Field, we only had to go over four gates! It was a totally wonderful flying experience. Not like getting on Incontinental Airlines, so called because you never know when they’re going to crap on you:

“How’s the service?”
“Depends.”

Their customer service statement:
“Customer service? WTF!?”

Mom wishes she could go everywhere on SW. When she dies she wants to be in a seat from a SW airliner. Preferably not screaming towards the ground.

Oh, when we got to Austin (where they told mom to go back to after she went home to Mouskin) Avis gave her a Fusion to drive. She didn’t want a Focus (those dang four bangers almost got me killed on the highway before) and that was the only other car available at the compact rate. It was funny as all get out. She managed to crawl into the car enough to find the steering wheel release. When she finally got it raised, she slid in most ungracefully. Then she raised the back seat to her usual good-posture straight up and down. Pulling herself up to driving position, her bad hip was held in the most painful position by the angle of the console. And to top it all off, her head was touching the ceiling. I couldn’t even swipe my tail between her scalp and the header!

We got there and went to work with all our friends from Beaumont. They had all gone there to hide from the hurricane when it came into the gulf. Fortunately (not for Mexico) it hit Mexico and not Texas, so the next day they told us all to go back to Beaumont. I looked at mom and knew she was thinking about making the four hour trip in that little sardine can of a car. She called Avis and asked them if they had anything else at a compact rate that would:

a) accelerate enough not to get her killed and
b) have a roof high enough that her hair wouldn’t touch it

A very kind lady traded her fusion for a Taurus (I guess Avis has a thing with Ford). The trip was lovely and we even stopped in Houston to have lunch with The Morgan and his Beth at a Greek restaurant. I LOVE lamb kabobs!

And so, mom was asked to run the switch board, a complex and important task (kitty cough). We sit in front of the main entrance and I play on the puter while she answers the phones. Sometimes when she’s really busy I go over and dance on all the buttons. It gets her really irritated and she pushes me off the table. That’s when I know she loves me.


So, remember, even though I’m not the most active of campaigners at this moment, I am still in the running. John (Fuzzy) McCain is in my sights for now. Help me out here, gang. The fuzzy part is his brain. It’s like one of those catapillars that tells us how long winter will be. According to John McCain, we’re in for a hell of a cold spell!

LYB

Perry