The Secret

This document was originally published August 4, 2007

The Secret
OR
Why America Need Me


Yes, I'm a cat, but in this time of human scandals, greed and just plain stupidity, I believe I am

just as viable a candidate as anyone else out there. In fact, I am better. Other candidates have skeletons in their closets, foibles and bad habits, spurious friends and questionable connections. Their records are spotty in many cases and, in one case in particular, there is doubt about the candidate's species. With all things, seemingly, being equal, Americans really don't know where to turn. They cry unto me, "Alas, what is this world coming to?"

That's when I tell them "The Secret".

But first, here's the problem: People are funny. Just ask Bill Cosby. But they have a lot of things in common. First, they want to be admired. This is something cats expect and get in daily life, so it does not sway us. However, humans will do some very strange things in order to make people like them. They will lie, they will cheat, they will perform depicable acts and they will "grin and bear it" (a concept no cat understands) just to remain in some other human's favor. I just don't get it. The idea foreign to felines.

Secondly, humans want STUFF. They want houses and clothes and jewelry and cars and swimming pools (ugh...shudder!) and money and all KINDS of stuff. I understand needing stuff, because humans are ill-equipped to deal with the real world. How they managed to avoid extinction is beyond me. They have no fur, no functional claws, no speed, no fangs, no nothing. Heck, they're not even smart enough to know they don't need all that stuff. AND, they think that because they have stuff, that makes them smarter. Let me just ask, with a brain waaaaay bigger than a human's, what stuff does a whale need? A house? A car? Jewelry? Or a porpoise? Chocolate? Fine wine? If humans were made to survive in the modern world, they wouldn't need any STUFF. And because they like stuff so much, it makes them vulnerable. You can make people do what you want them to with stuff.

On the other hand, a cat is not subject to temptation, bribery or greed. We don't need large sums of money, designer jeans or fur coats (hey, already got that!). We don't need big cars, big houses or big boats named "The Cat-stir". We don't want kickbacks or influence or power. I don't have a drinking problem and the lure of sexual indiscretion is non-existent (I've been fixed). All a cat could want is decent food to eat, clean water to drink and a warm place to sleep. Of course, a little tuna goes a long way, and some catnip is nice in moderation, but that isn't enough to entice me away from my goals.

And Power rounds out the big three. Power, what is that, anyways? Humans like to have POWER, like, they NEED it. Power mowers, power tools, power locks and windows, power of heaven, etc. Power, as I understand it, is the ability to make other people do what they don't want to do even if it's wrong. Power Kills.

How does the president send American citizens to Iraq to kill and be killed? That's not what they want. It's because he has POWER. People think power is good, that to em-power yourself is to make yourself better and more satisfied. Well, take it from a cat, you don't have any power. Just when you think you're all powered up, along comes a big-ass pit bull to chew you up and spit you out. Your life is over. Just ask Michael Vick. Just ask those folks in the World Trade Center.

Humans have "reality" TV, but in real life they are completely out of touch with reality. Hey, Humans, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY SPECIES ON THE PLANET! And no matter what your God told you, you aren't the only ones that count.

And that, my friends, is The Secret.

Humans can only understand other humans (and most of the time, they can't even do that). So what this country needs is a candidate without human biases, a candidate who does not need to feel liked by everyone and be empowered by stuff.
Once a cat makes a decision, it is made. It is only a well put together, common sense argument that will sway him (well and maybe some tuna fish). Cats think outside the litterbox, friends, we think of other cats, dogs, guinea pigs and hens, and ALL kinds of creatures, even humans. I want what's best for ALL of America, not just the self-involved human inhabitants.

And we can do that, with a little common sense, integrity and the ability to hear what others are saying. Let's have accessible Vet Care for EVERYONE. And humans, it's time you adopted a sensible spay-neuter program! Let US take on environmental issues. Hey, we're the ones who have to live in your garbage dump! So there it is:

Humans- unreliable narcissists
Cats- great leaders

So, what are you waiting for?

perryforpresident@gmail.com