Well, here it is almost the end of November and I haven't even told you about our Thanksgiving yet. I'm such a bum. Well, the real reason is tryptophan. Yes, turkey coma. Mom gave us LOTS of turkey and we all passed out for a couple of days. However, let me start at the beginning:
First of all, mom and dad thought they were too fat (I, personally, think they are quite comfortable, but whatever) so they went on the Jenny Crack diet. Every two weeks the Fedex guy rings the doorbell and leave two boxes on the porch. The dogs, of course, being the well-trained and naturally inclined watch animals they are, alert frightfully when the man- rings the doorbell. By then, whichever human is sitting in the living room has heard the truck stop, looked out, gone to the door and started to open it. And, of course, they go berserk as if some huge axe-toting, blood-spattered, dog-murdering psychopath was ringing that bell. Mom starts yelling, "GET back! Get BACK! I said GET BACK" and the guy with the boxes starts to turn pasty white, sweat and back up because he knows a pack of hell hounds is clawing the walls trying to get through the bricks at him. During all the confusion, sometimes Smokey and I make a break for the door and run outside, although it's been a bit chilly for that lately. Smokey usually just stays by the porch or goes around to the back fence. I always run out in the front yard and around the corner of the house. I do that when dad's at the door because he starts swearing and yelling and runs out after me. I wait around the corner and when he gets to me I run over to the oak trees and pretend I'm gonna climb up there. Then, when he just about has me, I jump over his head and hide behind the air conditioner. Boy me and dad have a lot of fun. Well, I do anyways.
But back to my story. When mom and dad went on the Jenny Crack diet, mom forgot that her good friend JO was gonna smoke a turkey for her. She said that couldn't be good for his lungs, but he's done it for a few years now and she says it's the best turkey she's ever had. Mom LOVES turkey. In fact, if you could make a chocolate turkey I think mom wouldn't worry about going to heaven. She'd already be there.
So, dad had bought a little turkey breast, and they asked The Emily if she wanted a ham and she said, "I don't care, whatever". They didn't ask me or we'd have been having salmon for Thanksgiving. Salmon and trout pie. Mmmmm....
But, then mom remembered that JO was going to bring the smoked turkey over and they put that turkey breast in the freezer for later. The turkey came while they were at the movies watching The Mist. (Stephen King said don't tell the ending, and if you did you should be "hung by the neck", so I'm not telling) Anyways, JO came over with the turkey while they were gone.
Now JO is a very nice man, and he has longish gray hair and wears a long, gray beard. When he showed up at the front door with the turkey, of course the dogs went insane. The Emily was here with Kemper Kitty some of her friends. It was really cold out, so we kitties were all at our posts on top of the furniture. So, he put the turkey on the table for us all, and said, "Happy Thanksgiving!" and left. The Emily's friends eyes were really big. They turned around to her and said, "Was THAT Santa Claus?" He was driving a white Dodge Ram. I don't think so.
Well, for the rest of the time the dogs laid under the table "guarding" the turkey and Smokey and I took turns guarding it from the dogs. After all, we had to check it out for hazardous substances, right? It checked out ok, but we stayed close, just to be sure. Brigid is the taller of the dogs and every once in a while we'd see her nose sneak up over the edge of the table and we'd have to defend our territory. Whack!
Mom and dad came home and mom raided the turkey, she probably couldn't help it because it smelled REALLY good and she said it tasted good, too.
Well, the next day everyone got up (except The Emily, she's not a "morning person") and cooked up some stuff for dinner. They really didn't have too much because of the whole Jenny Crack thing and The Emily isn't much on foods that mix up, like dressing and things like that. She says she likes her foods pure and not touching on the plate. I don't understand it. I'll eat a hole in the bag to get to MY food. Some people are just wierd, I guess.
Anyways, dad made his super good mashed taters (mom calls them "praities") and a little stuffing and some beans. They all chowed down, but mom told dad not to make to many taters because of the Jenny Crack. I though dad's eyes would pop right out of his head when she said that! He was going to make the whole BAG of them and mom said only use four or five at the most. "WHAT???" Mom backed off like she's come up on a rattlesnake. I don't know how many he made because I'm a turkey guy myself.
Ah, the turkey. It was kind dark on account of all the smoke, but it smelled deLISHIOUS! The dogs circled KK's high chair like sharks in case he dropped anything. Finally mom and dad put them in the back room. It made them feel safe to have the JAWS out of the dining room. Us cats just hung out on top of stuff and enjoyed the view. We know good things come to those who wait. And BOY did they! After the table was cleared and mom was cutting up the turkey, she gave us a WHOLE (almost) TURKEY LEG! Yup, believe it or not, she put it right up on the table on one of her favorite plates and let us eat it up there where the dogs couldn't steal it. It was wonderful. I love my mom.
Mom snacked on the turkey for the next couple of days. I learned something during that time. Pumpkin is turkey-aggressive! She'll get right up by the plate if humans are eating chicken, but she'll get right up IN it if there's turkey involved! Wow! Mom was trying to eat some turkey in front of the TV and Pumpkin (remember: paranoid psycho-kitty thinks she's a chicken) got right in her lap and tried to snatch from the plate! I was dumbfounded. Smokey was surprised, but she's so cool she didn't let it show.
And poor Smokey. Still probably diabetic, she has to eat canned cat food now, all rich and juicy and yummy... and we have to eat it, too. Darn! Dad likes to buy the fishy stuff which is ok with me, but The Emily has a thing about smelling fish (it smells like FISH!) but I don't care. Mom is more the chicken and game-bird type. She'll give us that before the fish. She likes fish herself, but she likes the smell of the chicken cat food. Hmmm... could be the diet.
For crack, the food on the diet appears to be tasty. I know mom has told them NO BEEF. She says beef just isn't very nice to her stomach. She likes cows, though, just not INSIDE her. That's probably a relief to her cow friends. I know it is to mine. And to Oprah, too, I bet. But there's lots of chicken burritos, bean stuff, cereals, frozen meals, and chocolate cheesecake. Oh, did I say CHEESECAKE? Yup. Cheesecake on crack. Go figure.
Mom and dad are getting a lot skinnier. I can start to feel lumps where the bones are in some places. It's gonna be bad if they get bony. I happen to like padded humans myself. Smokey is bony and she's never comfortable. Of course, some of that has to do with KK. He was on the bed today airing out after his bath and Smokey was up there, too. Now I don't know why she puts up with it, but she'll lay there while he lays all over her, pats her really hard, pinches her and all kind of cruel baby tortures. If it hurts she just yeowls, but doesn't move. Mom and dad and The Emily are trying to teach him how to be gentle and they figure if Smokey has enough she'll get up and leave. So today, he was laying on her, patting her, pulling her fur and she just laid there. Then he grabbed her back foot and she made some noise and tried to shake him off. So, he grabbed her tail and started moving it up and down like he was pumping for oil or something. She didn't like that and yeowled, so he went back and grabbed her foot again. She reached up to nip him just as he let go and went for her tail again and pumped it.
Now, Smokey is entirely declawed a long, long time ago because she was scratching her skin off of her head because of allergies. I'm not declawed at all, because I have such beautiful claws and because I am very well behaved. Pumpkin, the you-know-what kitty, has her front claws declawed, because if they weren't, mom and dad would be carted off to the trauma center anytime they tried to take her to the vet. Mom has long, thin, white scars on her arms from where she's tried to take her. Consequently, Pumpkin has not been to the vet for some time.
Anyways, back to KK. He was pumping Smokey's tail again and she had just about had enough. She reached over really fast and swatted his hand with her paw and hissed. He stopped short and dropped her tail in surprise. Smokey split. Then he turned around to mom and his face crumpled up like a little ball of paper and he started crying. Smokey THUMPED him! Man, mom was laughing. Dad came out of the shower and he was laughing, too. Even KYRA was laughing, and she has no sense of humor at all. Then when he stopped, he turned around to the dog and smacked his hand on his knee and said, "KYRA!" She took one look at him and jumped off the bed and ran out into the living room. That dog ain't takin' no orders from a one year old, nosirree!
Well, things are going pretty good around here. Mom and dad are still griping at each other. That's SNAFU. And The Emily is still going out all night and sleeping all day. Personally, I think she's a vampire, but I've seen her eat fried rice with garlic, so I don't know. Maybe she's one of those cross-breeds. She does hate the smell of fish, maybe that means something. And KK is a riot. We have fun playing chase-the-tail. He almost gets us, then we RUUUUUN! He just laughs and drools. I swear, that kid could water the Sahara the way he drools. They could grow corn for fuel and our cows would be happier and we could still depend on Middle Eastern Oil. Mazola.
Can't wait for Christmas!
Perry
Approved by Perry Tenitiss
Perry Tenitiss for President in 2008 Campaign
K. Fairweather, Chairman
No comments:
Post a Comment
Leave Comment