Mom doesn't want to live feeling like she does anymore. She's sad and feels hopeless, useless and on a road to more pain. She's tired of life, wants it over. There are no emotions left in her.
Being hollowed out and crisp, so light that a light breeze will blow her apart, she sits and waits for it all to end. Her uncle and aunt both killed themselves at her age. They used a .22 pistol. Mom gave away her shotgun a long time ago. There are no firearms in the house.
And she's seen what happens to families of people who kill themselves. They are hurt and angry and they never get over it. She can't do that to her family, so she's stuck here: wanting to die but not wanting to hurt her family. It's frustrating and stressful for her, so she just sinks to the bottom of herself and lives like sediment.
Her daughter left in the night with her grandson, the only happiness she had. The daughter was angry and abusive to everyone, child included, mom included. Every room she used was filthy. It was making mom even crazier. Mom told the daughter she didn't want to live under the circumstances she was creating. Mom told her she had to start acting like an adult or get out. A thief in the night, angrily doing her worst. Daughter knows best how to hurt mother and doesn't hesitate to do it. She hates her mother and took the only thing that made mom happy. And she's laughing, I'm sure.
Mom can't make tears anymore. She's dried up. She stays alone at home while dad works. Mom's brother keeps checking on her, making sure she's still breathing. Sometimes she breathes out and it doesn't come back easily. She makes herself draw a new breath. Every minute is work, is finding an incentive to stay for the next one. Sadness is to light a word. Gravity draws harder where she steps.
We try and snuggle up with our warm kitty furs. It should be helping but she's so deep down, so weighted, I don't know if even we can pull her back up again.
I'm worried.
Perry
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