Perry on the Death Penalty

Ok, I've decided to run for governor of Texas.

The current governor is named Rick Perry, so I've already got a lot of name recognition. And on this month's cover of Texas Monthly the headline was, "Perry for President!!???!!".

Needless to say, I wrote in to the editor and told them that slogan was already in use, that Perry (me) had already run for president and that the current governor had best not sully the Perry name. We'll just see how that goes.

I decided to tackle the issue of the death penalty here in Texas as the first subject in my platform. Texas is famous for its death penalty. In the words of comedian Ron White, "We have a death penalty and we use it." If you are convicted of a capital crime in Texas, guilty or not, retarded or not, your chanced of a commutation or a pardon are smaller than miniscule. As governor of Texas,George W. Bush presided over no less than 156 executions.  As of June 2009, Rick Perry has 200 under his belt.
Many in Texas feel the death penalty is being used unfairly, that it targets minorities. Statistics tend to support that claim.  If the death penalty is being used unfairly, charging minority criminals with capital crime for the same behavior as a majority criminal who is tried for a murder, not capital, then people who are making this claim are correct. In many states when this particular argument arises, a moratorium is put on executions until the facts are sorted out. In Texas executions continue until someone can prove otherwise. We like our death penalty.

However, in order to administer the ultimate punishment more fairly, I think humans should treat one another like they treat us. Criminals should go to the pound.
When dogs and cats are found roaming the streets, they are taken into custody by animal control. Once at the detention facility, their value to society is tested. If they have implanted identification devices, their caretakers are called to come pick them up. A fine is paid and the animal goes back home. If there is a collar and a license, the same process occurs. Should the animal's caretaker choose, he can leave the animal to the fate of the state.

Animals who have no identification are assessed for their socialization skills and put into a closed-ended adoption program. Once the adoption exposure period is up, the animals are executed. Those who have assaulted a human are put into observation cells. Then they are executed. And in many cities, Staffordshire Terriers and their mixed breed offspring are killed outright for their heritage alone. This system is very close to the human justice system in Texas.

What I propose is this: Institute a pound program to the Texas penal system. Everyone has to have a license. It will show where they live, who their doctor is and if their shots are up to date. These licenses will be worn around the neck. Should a human be caught without his license or exhibit bad behavior. he goes to the pound.

A human who commits an assault on another human (or animal. Hey, we have to protect ourselves) will be brought in for observation. If they prove to be incorrigible or have rabies, they will be destroyed in a vacuum chamber into which they will be placed and the air sucked out until they are dead. This is considered humane for animals and so should be humane for humans as well. (After all, the spelling is nearly identical)
Humans thought to be redeemable will be put into resocialization and then the adoption program. If adopted they will be licensed (for a fee) and the adopters will be responsible for getting all their shots up to date and either spaying or neutering them, whichever is appropriate.

With this system, the truly dangerous humans will be dealt with in a fair and humane manner. There is no appeal process. If you have bitten, you die. That is that. And humans who wish to remain in society can be returned.
Here licensing is the key. This process will be updated as vaccinations and other important information are acquired. Humans who turn on their fellows can be taken out of the population and dealt with in an efficient manner. Those who run rogue will be identified and taken to the pound for whatever retraining or adoption procedures are deemed necessary. And those who do not fit into the system at all, well they are dealt with as we are dealt with... humane destruction.

And so the problems inherent in capital punishment are solved. The pound system is already proven successful by the low rate of feral domestic animals in our country and the even lower occurence of rabies in our pets. Trained pets are happy pets. Spayed and neutered pets don't have those hormone induced behaviors like spraying and fighting and killing their offspring which get them in so much trouble. The system works.

So Texas, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, or rather, what's good for the cat is good for the man. It's time to mandate licensing humans and replace the justice system with the pound.

I think it will work. Don't you?

For more on Perry's Campaign go here.